TOTALLY, IRREVOCABLY DEPRESSED

Oh how I hate this time of year. I don't really understand why. I mean I should be happy. I have my family, mostly my health, I'm alive, etc. etc. It seems that lately as the holidays approach, I'm excited. I make lots of presents, and I truly enjoy doing that. I love to make things for people, and watch their faces when they get their gifts. But as soon as December rolls in, I start to go down hill, and it's going down hill more and more. So many reasons. Let me list them all, maybe if I do, I'll think they're dumb and can move on.

first, this is my birthday month. Oh whoopie. I turn 52, and that sux, cause I still feel 25. I don't look it, but I sure feel it. OK, not all the time. I sometimes hate my birthday, and it's been like this for years. I mean, 5 days before the big holiday, and I get screwed. It's not the presents, it's the party, the fun, the friends taking the time to think of me. When I was first married 32 years ago, I got screwed super big time on my birthday. I would get money from people to go and buy myself something special. Then we'd be short a gift, and there goes my gift. Oh promises of you'll get it back after the holidays. Yeah right, never happened. I wish I could make it all go away.

second, This is the month in 1989 that my dad passed. sometimes I really miss him, even when he acted like a jerk. He had so many sweet moments about him. He and I always butted heads. Maybe I was like him too much. This was his favorite holiday.

third, my mother's second husband died on my birthday 3 years ago. let's hear it for that one. So mom gets sad & blue, and I have to try and keep her sane. pretty hard to do when I can't even keep myself sane.

fourth, I'm poor. no need to explain that further. I mean it is what it is.

fifth, it's cold, raw, and gloomy. I don't want to leave the house. I just want to crawl into my nice warm bed and hibernate. All alone.

Holy shit do I sound pathetic. Oh woe is me. Ok, I don't really know what's going on. I just know that I am not myself. And I really wish the holidays were over and spring was coming. I'm so glad no one reads this but me. I like being anonymous. besides, I will look back to today and say, my gosh girl, what is wrong with you.

I think it's time to go, I don't know. but I gotta stop my whining. It's not making it better. In fact it feels worse. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok, not better. well, off I go to bed. Yay, it's only 7:15 pm.